How to Turn Self-Criticism Into Self-Acceptance (without affirmations!)

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Transcript

You know how most of us have at least one part of our bodies that we’re most critical of?

And often times the idea of just affirming that we “love” that part of our bodies is very difficult because it just doesn’t feel like the truth?

I don’t know about you, but whenever I tried affirmations in the past, as I was trying to develop more acceptance of my body, I’d often find myself calling bullsh*t on what I was trying to affirm.

This is why I believe that for most people, affirmations, especially about our bodies, aren’t always the most effective tool for developing true body love.

So, how DO we start loving our bodies, right now, without changing a thing?

Well, that’s what my Body Love Tip for you this week is all about, because I found a technique that seems to have worked pretty well, and that doesn’t involve bullshitting myself. So if you’re someone who struggles with affirmations too, you might find this to be a helpful alternative.

Over the years I’ve spent struggling with my body, I found that there was one way that I could consistently go from judgment and criticism about some part of my body, to total acceptance right away. And that was to:

Become Curious.

What do I mean by that?

Rather than picking that part of my body apart for what I believed was wrong with it, I instead starting asking questions about it – which are all written for you in the summary on my blog, if you’d like to print them off and try them out for yourself.

I really do feel that they’re part of what’s made such a big difference in my own process.

Now as I  walk through these questions here with you, I’m going to use the example of the particular part of my body that has been the biggest source of self-judgment and criticism for me – for as long as I can remember. Since I was 3 years old in fact: which are my thighs.

They’re pretty normal, average-sized thighs, but for most of my life (literally since I could talk), I always wanted to see smaller, thinner, and leaner.

Yes, my mom still tells me to this day that I was probably the only 3-year EVER to complain of having “fat thighs”.

So when I first started my journey towards loving my body, without having to change it first, I was able to do this by starting to ask questions. Questions that took me away from judgment, and simply into inquiry.

And there were 3 basic categories of questions that helped me to do this:

The first category was Examination: these were questions that helped to give me more insight into why my thighs were the way they were, and why I felt about them the way I did.

It’s very important to answer these honestly, but also very objectively – without blame, guilt or shame. We’re just becoming curious.

The first questions were:

– Why is this particular body part the way it is? How much of it is genetics? How much is lifestyle? How much is situational/circumstantial?

– also: How long have I been dissatisfied with it? (which gives some clues to the previous answers)

In my case, with my thighs, I had to really consider my genetics, especially since this self-criticism started so early in life. I looked at the body shape of my parents, and I noticed that neither one of them has a small build. Both are strong and solid, and I realized that my thighs will never be like Kate Moss’ thighs because I’m not genetically built to have rail-thin legs the way I wanted.

(btw most of us aren’t built that way).

Also, being dissatisfied with my thighs from the age of 3 might indicate that this is not so much of a lifestyle concern – my parents gave me adequate nutrition, I wasn’t addicted to junk food, nor was I particularly sedentary, as most toddlers aren’t know to be.

I also asked myself:

– When have I been satisfied with this part of my body in the past, if ever? What was different in my life? What was I doing differently? Were both my body and mind healthy, or were they imbalanced (ie. is it realistic to expect same results now – result of stress, illness, etc)?

Interestingly, for me – any time that my thighs have been thinner than usual, has been when at times in my life when I was under-nourished (like when I was a poor student travelling abroad, or a breast-feeding mom nutritionally depleted from everything being sucked out of me. Not only did I not feel good, healthy or energized, despite having thin thighs, it also wasn’t a realistic permanent lifestyle change.

The other interesting piece of awareness this question brought me, was that the very few times in my life that I’d been actually happy with my thighs without them being thinner,  was when I was being active – usually in the form of walking, or doing regular yoga practice.

I also noticed that it was when I was less concerned about exercising for physical change, and doing it more for the emotional benefit, that’s when I really felt at my best (which not coincidentally was also when I was eating more intuitively and not following strict “eating plans”).

I also became aware through this inquiry that when I was so tuned in to what the experts or marketers were telling me to do and eat, that’s when I was most tuned out of what my body was really asking for, which was a very interesting realization.

I then progressed to the second category of questions, which is Appreciation.

This is where I asked myself:

– What is there to love about this part of my body? What does it do/what has it done for me? What would life be like without it?

Well, obviously for me, my life would be a lot more difficult without my legs and thighs. When I started to put things into perspective, how could I possibly hate them, when they are the body parts literally responsible for keeping me mobile!

– I also asked: What are the strengths of this body part that can I build on?

My thighs are actually built to be strong. They are not dainty, or waif-life. They’re solid, and if I can build on this strength, they could actually provide me with a lot of joy and feelings of accomplishment in sports, if I could find some activities that I enjoy doing.

Interesting to note – I was never an athlete for most of my life, which probably didn’t help with the increasing judgment of my thighs over the years.

So after identifying that it was activity and sport that were the missing links keeping me from appreciating my thighs, I started asking questions from the third category of inquiry, which is Observation:

I became an observer – like I was my own scientific experiment, and I started asking questions like:

– What will happen to this part of my body when I make THIS change? Or THAT change?

– Which made it also important to ask: How can I measure whether it’s responding positively to the change? (I base this on how it FEELS, not simply on it looks)

Well, personally, I started to notice that when I’m running and staying active, I don’t hide my legs. I’m proud of them, even though they’re not the vision of “perfect” legs I’d once thought I wanted.

When I’m doing activities that I know make me feel good about my legs, which is now most of the time, I never worry what they look like, because they FEEL good, and I’m enjoying the process of observing their response to my positive lifestyle changes.

So, I’m going to put this challenge out to you:

How can YOU apply this curiosity approach in your own life?

And remember, these are all questions that only YOU can answer. I guarantee you, there’s not an expert out there who knows YOU better than you do, or who’s written a book written or done a study on YOUR exact body’s chemistry or physiology.

It is yours, and it is unique, and the best way that you can love it for what it is, is to learn more about it – which, by the way, is a lifelong process, which is why it’s important to love it now, as you’re learning (because criticism takes up SO much more energy than learning – and it definitely doesn’t bring the same happiness and fulfillment).

Positive change doesn’t come from criticism, it comes from learning.

So, choose curiosity over criticism, choose observation over judgment, and enjoy becoming the expert of YOU as you learn, improve and strengthen your body over time. The only real way to build a body you love is to first love the body that you have.